Nine Network CEO David Gyngell proudly announced that all matches of the 2011 New Zealand World Cup would be broadcasted by Channel 9 before muttering under his breath that they wouldn’t actually be televised until 2015.
“This is a proud day for Channel 9. We’ve won the right to televise all matches of the Rugby World Cup. But due to a few other commitments we’ve had to delay the timeslots for each match by, um, well, four years.” Gyngell said.
“We can’t jeopardize our bogan fan base, which makes up forty per cent of our viewers, by delaying any NRL finals matches. Additionally we can’t cancel any episodes of Two and a Half Men or we’ll lose the idiots who tune into our channel who make up the remaining sixty per cent of our viewers.”
“Seeing as they are the only two programs that Channel 9 actually shows, it’s been very hard to fit the World Cup into our schedule.”
Coincidentally, the 2011 Rugby World Cup will be televised during the 2015 World Cup in England, pushing back that telecast by another four years.
Gyngell also announced that November’s Melbourne Cup had been delayed until January and that the 2012 London Olympics would not be shown till 2032.
At 7.15 am local time Gold Coast Resident, Nicholas Flynn, shattered his bathroom mirror by simply looking at it.
It is believed the man’s immense ugliness and sheer repulsiveness built a level of pressure the mirror simply couldn’t cope with.
“I just got out of bed to go to the toilet when I stopped to check myself out in the mirror. Then after a few seconds or so, it just shattered. The glass flew everywhere, most of it directly at me.” he said.
Mr Flynn sustained severe lacerations of the face from the incident. But doctors say that there is no need for surgery to reconstruct his dismembered facial features as “he’ll still look like the fucking ugliest prick you’ll ever meet regardless of whether he gets surgery or not.”
Experts and leading mirror designers say that mirrors are crafted to tolerate certain levels of ugliness.
“These mirrors are generally quite sturdy and robust. So for it to break means that Mr Flynn would’ve looked horrendously disturbing.” Said leading mirror expert Martin Forthwit. “Think of a dead pig’s head that has been rotting in a tub full of maggots and worms for a week. Now times it by ten and that’s the level of ugliness he produced to break that mirror. I really do feel for his parents. They’d be so embarrassed.”
This isn’t the first time a mirror has been broken by someone’s physical appearence.
Last month Wayne Swann single handidly destroyed 34 mirrors in the Australian Parliament by momentarily appearing in their frames when walking past them, costing the Australian tax payers over three hundred dollars in damages. A further 12 mirrors which came within a twenty metre radius of the national treasurer endured severe fractures.
After this string of recent shatterings, mirror distributor Glass House Mirrors promised to invest in strengthing the endurance capacity of their mirrors stating that “our new products will guarantee fat, ugly bastards across the country the right to look at their fuck ugly mugs all day and night.”
Given the number revoltingly ugly people throughout the South East Queensland region, particularly in areas such as Nerang and Crestwood, the Gold Coast City Council has donated over fifty thousand dollars to Glass House Mirrors for the development of an unbreakable mirror.
Several Asylum Seekers incarcerated in Christmas Island Detention Centre have praised the facility for providing an overwhelmingly comfortable and luxurious experience while they wait for their refugee status to be processed.
“We really are treated so well here. We get a meal nearly every day, a cold floor to sleep on and some picturesque views of razor sharp barbed wire and guard dogs sitting just outside our barred window. Not to mention that we get to stay with our kids because they get mandatorily detained as well! It really is brilliant.” Said detainee Mahmood Razzaq. “I’m telling to Australia is going above and beyond its humanitarian obligations as a first world country.”
Detained Asylum Seekers in other Australian Detention Centres such as Villawood and Weipa said they were also exceptionally satisfied with their living conditions.
“I think we can safely say we’d all be pretty happy to get a transfer to Christmas Island but we are still pretty thankful for what we have here. I mean, we only have to go on extensive hunger strikes and inflict self-harm every now and again to get some attention from the guards.” Said Weipa Detainee Abdul Razmat.
Similarly, Villawood detainee Shaheed Amini said that he is “living the dream here.” and that he is extremely jealous of incoming asylum seekers who get “a free holiday to Malaysia” under the Australian Government’s ‘Malaysian Solution’.
Meanwhile Chris Brown, the Minister for Immigration, condemned the various acts of violence which have occurred throughout Australia’s detention centres, claiming “Some people would call [it] violent protest. I don’t. It’s simply wanted vandalism.”
Detainees responded to this angry outburst with sympathy for the Minister for Immigration stating that he is simply a “misunderstood bloke” who has endured a tough life.
“Look Chris Brown has had it pretty tough. He had to go to school and University with only a supporting, financially secure family. That sort of lifestyle gets to you, it turns you ugly. Not like us. Getting shot at and risking the lives of ourselves and families on a treacherously leaky boat ride where it could sink or be intercepted by pirates. We really do live the high life. His misconstrued anger is just the product of a hard life.” Said Villawood detainee Umesh Jarrad.
Villawood and Weipa Detention Centres were named the second and third most desirable facilities respectively in a poll put to asylum seekers throughout the country.
Speaking on behalf of the Mexican population, President Felipe Calderón proclaimed his country’s jubilation with being stereotyped as malicious drug dealers as opposed to fat, lazy slobs.
“Today I am proud to say I am Mexican. This is the greatest day in our country’s history.” He said, speaking to a crowd of nearly 100,000 people in the country’s capital, Mexico City. “We are no longer seen around the world as embarrassingly overweight and lethargic, now we are seen as extremely violent, homicidal maniacs with connections to a multitude of outlaw gangs!”
Since early 2008 more than 9,300 people have been murdered in the gruesome drug wars which have engulfed the country.
The Mexican ‘drug dealer/gang member’ image has been perpetuated by a high level of international interest in the country’s drug issues while the ‘lazy, obese’ image has quite ironically lagged behind.
“We are much more thrilled with this image. Despite all of the carnage and death we have faced it has been absolutely worth it.”
The president was later shot several times in the chest and lays in hospital in a serious but stable condition. The incident is being treated as suspicious and is assumed to be in connection with a number of drug oriented crime syndicates. His bodyguards, notably overweight, were around the corner smoking a cigarette at the time of the shooting because “they didn’t feel like working.”
Though the Harry Potter series may have finally come to a close, teenage boys around the world continue to fantasise about the actor who played Hermione Granger in the blockbuster, Emma Watson.
“She’s so friggen hot. The things I’d do to get with her…” said president of the Emma Watson Appreciation Society, John James. “I set up this society for people who drool at the sight of her like I do and now we’re approaching two million members worldwide. We are currently the fastest growing online community in the world.”
The scene involving a passionate kiss between Watson and co-actor Rupert Grint in the latest Harry Potter film has increased her male fan base tenfold with numerous, sickly obsessed guys claiming “If Ron can get with her then I sure as hell can.”
When asked what it was about Watson which inspired him to create this growing group, James said “her hotness” before shamelessly admitting “neither me nor any members of the EWAS have any interest in her personal life or who she is as a person. We know how shallow that is but hey, we’re guys aren’t we?”
In fact, very few of her male fans know anything about her at all aside from the fact that “she is smoking hot” and “I’d love to nail her.”
“Yeah man she’s hot as but I have no idea who she is as a person, I just want to get with her is all. Like isn’t she American or something?” said Watson fan and EWAS member Justin Costello.
“I would deadest make my own sandwiches if I was going out with her.” Said another sadly infatuated fan Jobe Henderson.
When asked about her thoughts on her online appreciation society, Watson herself claimed the members to be “a bunch of creepy, self-degrading lowlifes who don’t have a fucking chance of getting with me.”
There were 178 attempted suicides worldwide in response to this remark.
(Please note that this is a fictionalized news story.)
The Wallabies shocking run of results continued last night with a devastating 24-14 loss to the Southport Rebels under 14’s rugby side at Skilled Park.
Down 12-0 at the break, the young Southport side showed tremendous courage and determination to topple their more fancied opponents.
“They were simply the better team.” Admitted Wallabies coach Robbie Deans. “We organised this match to boost the team’s morale after losing to Samoa. But they ran rings around us in the second half and we just couldn’t contain their speed and aggression. I don’t know how we’ll pick ourselves up after this.”
“That was easier than I thought.” Said Southport captain Miles Larsson. “My mum said if I tried my hardest we’d get Red Rooster tonight so I’m really stoked now.”
After two early tries to elusive fullback Kurtley Beale, the Wallabies looked to have control of the match.
But 4 foot 2 inch game breaker Nate Holden stamped his authority on the match with an intercept 90 metre try as well as a ‘kick and chase’ which resulted in another try to twelve year old teammate Ben Wilson, levelling the game with thirty minutes remaining.
A late try and drop goal sealed the match for Southport who languishes in second last place in their respective under 14 Gold Coast Club Competition.
“They were just too strong for us in the scrum, they kept pushing us back time and time again.” Said Wallabies Captain Rocky Elsom. “And in the line outs they plucked the ball out of the air as if we didn’t exist. You wouldn’t have thought they were literally half our size.”
The Wallabies now face a stern test in the notorious Balmoral Dealers under 12’s side.
“We really need to be able to beat an under 12’s side if we want to win the Rugby World Cup in a few months.” said former Wallaby legend George Gregan.
However, the bookies have already instated Balmoral as firm favourites, sitting at $1.50 to win as opposed to the Wallabies at $5.
The Citizen Ink News Team made a shocking discovery yesterday, revealing National Shadow Treasurer and Member for North Sydney, Joe Hockey, to be none other than McDonalds’ cartoon character, Grimace, in disguise.
Joe Hockey’s plump frame and round belly constantly attracted comparisons between the two but no definite link had ever been substantiated until now.
Over the course of his political career, Hockey was spotted dining in at least one McDonalds franchise every day, rousing high levels of suspicion.
When confronted with the truth as to his concealed identity he attempted to run away but tripped shortly after. His immense obesity prevented him from being able to get to his feet and a complete lack of sufficient nutrients, incurred by a daily diet of McDonalds fast food, ensured he did not have the energy to try and escape.
“I can’t believe you foiled me!” he said breathlessly.
It is unclear why Grimace went to the trouble of disguising himself as Joe Hockey or why he tried to escape, but the Citizen Ink News Team has reason to believe there are other McDonalds insurgents climbing the ranks of the Australian Parliament.
Other investigative journalists have claimed that Julia Gillard is the Maccas King Pin himself, Ronald McDonald, but these rumours have yet to be confirmed.
“You’ll never bring us down now.” Hockey/Grimace said, still lying hopelessly on his back. “We have used grafts, embezzlement, pretty much every form of political corruption in order to gain power in the House of Reps, The Senate and The Unions.”
Grimace was taken into Police custody for questioning over an alleged link to an underground crime syndicate attempting to usurp the Australian Government.
In other news Bob Katter has suspiciously stood down as an Independent Member for Kennedy amid speculation his collection of droll hats at one point included Hamburglar’s iconic black country hat.
At 10:32 am yesterday social networking website, Facebook, crashed bringing the world to the brink to what many believed was an impending apocalypse.
Minutes after the popular site became inaccessible, millions of people around the world began to run around aimlessly, ripping out their hair and screaming incoherently at each other. These methods of madness took place in the streets of some of the world’s biggest cities such as New York, London and Logan.
For no logical reason, people across the globe unanimously assumed that the website crashed due to an impending apocalypse though were unable to identify what form the armegeddon would take.
“I was okay at first, I mean, it’s just Facebook after all. But after 8 minutes or so I started to get a bit edgy and when the refresh button didn’t work I really started to lose it.” Said Facebook user Gus Phillips. “And then it struck me, it must be the end of the world if Facebook isn’t working. So I drove into the city and slammed my car into a fire hydrant, got out and started running and screaming. I sort of went blank from that point onward and can’t remember anything from then on.”
Hospitals, houses, shopping malls, banks and other buildings were all vehemently destroyed by ordinary citizens in their blind panic.
Every capital city in Australia was reduced to rubble inside 6 hours of the site’s collapse, with Prime Minister Julia Gillard declaring “every man for himself” in a televised address to the nation before adding “Now that the world is ending, fuck you Australia.”
“Humans are the most impetuous, dim-witted creatures on the planet.” Says psychologist Carl Hamburg. “It is only natural that we would think an unknown apocalypse would be the logical answer to the disrupted connection of a social networking site and that the appropriate way to act is to destroy cities, towns and each other.”
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg managed to get the site up and running after realising “the power point wasn’t turned on” ultimately restoring civility back to the world.
At 5:32 pm yesterday people returned to their normal lives, feeling a little embarrassed of their actions.
“Everything got a little out of hand. The city has been completely destroyed, there are no hospitals to harbour the thousands of sick, wounded and dead, and after some of the things I did it’s clear that people are actually quite eager to resort to cannibalism.” Said Brisbane citizen Lee Maxwell. “But it’s nothing we haven’t done before.”
The event has drawn comparisons to the infamous ‘eleven minutes’ where the broadcast of reality TV show Master Chef was disrupted, causing widespread looting, mugging and a generally lower standard of cooking for the following two and a half weeks.
This indeed was a dark day for humanity, revealing our apocalyptic addiction to social media as well as our natural instincts to panic dangerously irrationally in the face of a minor problem.
An international poll conducted by cinknews.com revealed Darren Lockyer to have the most unbearable voice in the world.
Forty per cent of the voters from countries as diverse as Burkina Faso and New Zealand locked in Lockyer as their number one vote, smashing second placed Fran Drescher (AKA Fran Fine from The Nanny) who received 20 per cent of the votes and third placed Ke$ha who received 15 per cent of the votes.
Other nominees included Prime Minister Julia Gillard, North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Ill and little known University Lecturer Greg Jenkins.
In a related poll, 90 per cent of voters stated they would rather be subjected to torturous imprisonment under fictional horror character Jigsaw than listen to a fifteen minute speech by the Rugby League icon.
These results come as little surprise to Australian residents who have been forced to endure his horrid voice for the majority of his career.
His victory speeches at the end of Grand Finals and State of Origin series have been known to send fans sprawling out of stadiums like termites attempting to escape extermination.
Fans were left clutching at their ears, screaming in agony during Lockyer’s post-match interview after Friday night’s win over the Gold Coast Titans.
“It was awful. As soon as I saw him step up to the microphone I left my kids to fend for themselves and started running. But by then it was too late and everybody was trying to get out. And then he started talking…” Said Broncos fan Nigel Robson. “It was like screeching brakes and someone scratching a chalkboard rolled up into one sound of pure death.”
Ambulances were quick on the scene but some 900 people lost their hearing completely.
Earlier in the year there were 14 fatalities at The Bronco’s Leagues Club when Lockyer participated in ‘Karaoke Night’. Six of those fatalities were suicide related.
Bruno Cullen, the Broncos CEO, has had trouble ensuring Lockyer could remain an important player and role model for the club without posing any serious safety threats.
“I tried buying a mechanical larynx for him so that he could do speeches and interviews. But it broke apart as soon as he tried to speak with it.” he said.
Lockyer has since been given a mini chalkboard to write on and wear around his neck as a harmless means of communication.
